May 14th

So, yesterday was supposed to be the day I continued building on 3 days of walking, sitting, and being vertical for more time each day.  Instead at some early hour of the morning my quads and hamstrings exploded with spasms and cramps, my knee felt like it was the size of a basketball and there was no relief for hours, even with pills.  It became a misery day trying to shuffle enough to feed the cat and myself.  I tried pep talks - 12 years ago you ended up finding out who you thought you were married to wasn't and you got through that; 7 years ago you found out about lumps and breast cancer and you got through that; 3 years ago you found out about slipped disks and sciatic nerve pain and you got through that - and I learned that I am lousy at pep talks.  Instead I spent a lot of time thinking that less than four months ago I spent a delightful evening at the Baltimore Mid-Winter Ball dancing to Perpetual eMotion playing and Will Mentor calling and right now I can't bend my left leg more than ten degrees and barely shuffle and dancing seems so far away.  Yeah, sometimes life just plain f***ing sucks.
Not to worry, I'm sure by tomorrow I'll be back to my old cheerful, upbeat self, but right now I am so tired of the pain, the immobility, the frustration,.  I still sometimes dream of walking and dancing and I'm happy and then... I wake up.  Yeah - told you I suck at pep talks.